35 is a mindblower. They say life is what you make it. What if you've made big mistakes where you deal with the repercussions every second of your life? My brain is sick. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder long ago. After my first manic episode, it should have been enough to make me stay off of street drugs. Nope. I couldn't or wouldn't stop smoking pot to save my marriage. Lord knows I tried to sober up. Coulda shoulda woulda. Yikes. Well, now I'm on disability.
I've literally gulped watching the news. Both mainstream and non-mainstream news, mind you. The Pope is the Antichrist, sort of. Check out amazingfacts.org and go to their prophecy section. You know I remember this quote that after the demon gets expelled from you, if you go on wrongly while you know the truth you get seven more demons or something like like that. I think that happened to me.
10 years ago or so I was more optimistic of my societal prospects, hence my bride and I conceived my darling daughter. I was staying at my parents' house trying to sober up and she came to see me (we lived three hours away). I remember not going out to jam with other musicians to avoid pot. Around the same time I went to a prophecy seminar put on by the Seventh Day Adventists that blew my mind. My entire family was really unreceptive and I did not get baptized. Then I went to rehab for the first time.
Between my mental illness and my addictive nature, I bombed the career my Dad laid out for me. It was really nice of him to give me so many chances, but the reality was that I couldn't hack that schedule and I was ill-suited to the trades, as well as just not interested. This went on for years, and the baby arriving added more stress over money and my seeming inability to "get it together". Eventually my Dad died of cancer and my wife divorced me.
I've lived at the Salvation Army. I've lived at the Hope Mission. If it wasn't for Assisted Income for the Severely Handicapped I'd still be on the street or dead. I managed to start turning things around enough that I can see my daughter anytime possible and my Mom and sister still talk to me. My ex-wife is a close friend, although maybe she feels stuck with me as the father of her child. People are commenting that I'm not as much of an asshole.
Today I live alone and have a lot of time to think about how much I took for granted and lost. My ex-wife has a live-in boyfriend that is kind of a stepdad to my daughter. I look at my life and say, "Jeez, you blew it." The whole reason I'm starting this blog is to deal with my thoughts and just write. If you want something more light-hearted there's medicatedmadman.blogspot.com which I admit is funny, but unfortunately I can't figure out how to add to it since my old email lapsed.
